ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
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[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting