Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
You Might Also Like
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”