So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
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to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Unexpected Judgment
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.