Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
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Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
When he asks for feet pics
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”