I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
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Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
This is me
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Ion see the issue
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses