I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Shower sex be like:
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing