The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
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I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist: