Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
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Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
No laws when master is gone
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
All generalizations are stupid.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds