Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
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If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
sigh
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
oh u like geography? name every lake
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?