We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
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writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it