Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
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“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)