*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
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[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Brother?
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.