I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
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Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it