I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
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I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
We all have our pet causes.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Buck naked
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.