Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL

imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.

i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”

“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”

SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO

*ring bearer vomits*

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress

me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]

Dr Mario: you have a tumor

me: two more what

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio

Till the neighbors start to mow