Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
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Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn