My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
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ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
like u make the diseases or are against them ?