Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
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Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
S M O L
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me