BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
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Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.