Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
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Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
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WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.