[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
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The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic