reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
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I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic