whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
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Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
You better watch out
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too