“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
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I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
beware of dog
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit