My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
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Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Nomnomnomnom
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Before crowbars crows drank alone