Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
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[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.