I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
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The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Plant care tips
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this