Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
some Old Testament wisdom
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…