Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
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I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Swedish for common sense.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day