Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
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Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
“I wouldn’t.”
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.