My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
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I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.