Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
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How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*