GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
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me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG