I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
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Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
This cat wants you to take your pills
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am