Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
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Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Yes 😂
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed