I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
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*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Bruh PLEASE
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”