I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
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Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Become ungovernable.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
i wish i could marry a nap
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”