I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
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Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.