My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
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I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Monday
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.