Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
You Might Also Like
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.