No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
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If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Sharon, call the vet
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.