Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
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Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
No, I don’t think I will.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale