I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
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Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Noah was an idiot.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Fries, not lies.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”