Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
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Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
My five year plan is a meteorite
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?