[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
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narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Pretty much. 🤣
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”