My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
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[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.