#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
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Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly