Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
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My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”