A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
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handsome & gretel
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion