Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
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[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.